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A Love Letter to Ray Bans

Oh Ray Bans,

How I adore thee. Thou art the reason I continue to dress like a grandmother/ lesbian. My boxy vests and track shoes thank you. For without you we would not look hip, just homeless. My straw hat from Lands End would be lost on the greater public without you to let them know that it is cool to wear big hats. They aren't JUST for 60 year old divorcees with leathery skin. Oh Ray Bans, thank you for making Vampires look cool far before Twilight. You protected them from most certain death while letting us know that, yeah, they were pretty sexy. Ray Bans, I'll always remember how you sat so cooly on not-yet-crazy Tom Cruise's nose in Top Gun. Oh the things you must have seen, from volleyball with Val Kilmer to jumpin' on couches with Oprah. You should write a book. Hey if Bristol Palin can so can you. Can I call you RB? No? That's because you're too cool for nicknames. Ray Bans, without you Bob Dylan would just be another Jew from Minnesota. Okay, the only Jew from Minnesota. I digress. Without you Ray Bans, Michael Jackson would be just some other tranny, Ray Charles' blind eyes would have freaked us out, James Dean would be, well, hot. That guy would look good in an adult diaper, let's be honest. What I'm trying to say Ray Bans, is thank you for being you. A famous man once said that "the eyes are the window to the soul". Thanks for protecting mine. And if you could NOT protect Ke$ha's eyes that would be great. Judging from this photo, bitches' sight gots ta go! Girl don't you know you're no supposed to accentuate your FUPA?! Damn.

Your Loyal Follower,
Meg Hayes


Notice the track shoes.... Thanks again Ray Bans.

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